ten quick stories about the nba so far
1. the western conference train wreck.
here is something surprising: only nine teams are in playoff contention before christmas day. yeah, the season's almost unwatchable on one half of the bracket. one team will be eliminated (my guess is that it will be either the mavs, blazers, or suns) and the rest of the teams are basically spoilers. could you construct a playoff team from the eliminated ones? i have tried, and here is the result:
centers: kaman and camby
power forwards: al jefferson and biedrins
small forwards: durant, rudy gay
shooting guards: mayo, kevin martin
point guards: monta ellis and baron davis
wild cards: spencer "baby truth" hawes, russell "slick" westbrook.
but there are really some historically bad teams here. oklahoma city is an abomination to mankind **** apologies to kevin durant, a true renaissance man **** as is minnesota (ditto, al jefferson). in fact, if you were to put durant and jefferson with three d-league players, and were to combine minnesota and okc's rosters to get one team, i'm pretty sure durant/jefferson would do better. al jefferson is so much better than any other t-wolf that it's comical, with the exception being perhaps mike miller. okc, minnesota, and sac-town have already sacked their coaches, and the clippers should sack dunleavy, except it appears that dunleavy is perhaps some sort of electric demon (in love!!!!). memphis has hope, as i will describe.
2. the emergence of the celtics as the alpha dog.
i truly believe that the kind of hell that exists in paul pierce's head is something that we, as mere mortals, can't understand. his willingness to assume the role of kobe and lebron allows ray allen to disappear into his world of bliss and allows kevin garnett to go around ravaging the countryside without the larger concerns that accompany stars, such as winning or historical place. allen and garnett bring knives to gun fights, but pierce will always bring a gun, no matter how much worse it may be than the others' weapons. that's important to note, because when you have two knife-wielding maniacs and a guy with a gun, you're bound to devastate humanity.
and these three fathers have trained an android of destruction: RONDO.
3. o.j. mayo is much better than we thought. so is derrick rose.
at usc, it didn't seem like mayo would succeed on the highest level this quickly. he settled for weak jump shots, brooding around the perimeter, upset that nobody believed he could receive a 29 on the ACT. "any time, any place." and, of course, tim floyd is the worst coach ever, so he never learned how to get to the rim. watching rudy gay dunk on others will change that, and soon mayo will learn that his game is an evolved d-wade (minus the slashing ability). maybe riley was right: maybe mayo was just better than michael beasley.
derrick rose, on the other hand, will save the bulls if they let him. my recommendation to the bulls: trade luol deng for a box of squirrels, sign shawn marion, and watch the gordon/rose/matrix/tyrus thomas express capture the glory years. better yet: trade hinrich to one of the fifteen nba teams who would immediately gain 15 wins from having a point guard (HINT TO OKC: he's white and better than luke ridnour, trade for him now!)
by the way: that loud screw you, humanity is from d.j. augustin, who would like a formal apology from everyone who called him a bust. now what will larry brown do with ray felton? how close are we from the felton/augustin extravaganza?
4. devin harris, danny granger, and kevin martin are the next.
devin harris appears to be one of the biggest steals of all time: lawrence frank, obviously surprised that harris was so proficient at getting to the rim, quickly ditched richard jefferson to allow harris more shooting. i erred when i claimed that the nets would be historically bad: vinsanity and devin harris may be enough to sneak into the playoffs in the east, and brook lopez was certainly one of the surest things to ever happen at the #9 pick. he is clever.
also clever: danny granger, a man who has become a pain to guard. the pacers are a bizarre team, but they should be much better when mike dunleavy comes back. they will be fun to watch when that occurs, because with t.j. ford, granger, dunleavy, b-rush, they could be the phoenix suns lite. hard-style!!!!
kevin martin shouldn't be allowed near the sacramento kings. they are an embarrassment to the nba, with their silly coach, their inability to make wise trades, and their seemingly endless number of problems. nevertheless, they have acquired the next in a long line of pure shooters, a la richmond, miller, rip, etc. if you don't think martin's legit, then you didn't see him in march of last year, when he was virtually unguardable.
5. the disappointment that is the 76ers.
the plan was to sign brand, keep everyone else, and sign on for success. but somewhere along the line, the sixers still didn't pick up anyone who could shoot the three, and you're now stuck with the willie green/kareem rush nightmare at shooting guard. it might be wise for the sixers to deal sam dalembert: consider this deal i drew up! eric snow back to philly with sasha pavlovic for sam dalembert! ba-zing! sixers give up on dalembert, cavs get valuable piece, pavlovic provides spot-up shooter. then, cavs could give up ben wallace or varejao or both for a scorer.
6. hawks swagger.
the hawks' acquisition of mike bibby last year looked silly, and when they failed to re-sign josh childress, many, including myself, saw doom for our lovable atlanta folk. but the problem is this: we underestimated the value of bibby's playoff experience. now the hawks' backcourt has playoff experience, as joe johnson and mike bibby both fought out west for many years. marvin williams and al horford were college winners, and josh smith has no concept of right or wrong in basketball. that combination is different from anything else the hawks have known, and it is enough to win, particularly with the idea of flip murray as a hired gun off the bench. people have been trying the flip murray idea for years, but atlanta may actually have enough shots for him to make it work.
7. brandon roy.
he is dwyane wade. we just don't know it yet.
8. WADE.
the olympics unveiled the emergence of the new d-wade, a man whose abilities had been marginalized by conspiracy theories about the calls he received in the finals a few years back. look, there's no doubt that the nba was lying to us during those playoffs, but that isn't wade's fault. international basketball was specifically designed for wade, a guy who isn't comfortable shooting the three, but is comfortable attacking the rim and jabbing you from 17 feet. euro basketball is designed to stop plays designed to yield three pointers, but there's no such thing as a defensive stopper for the wades and anthonys of this world, guys who are perfectly happy to penalize man-to-man defenses.
he is back. we saw that when he took down kobe a few days ago.
9. raptors = f-minus.
all jose calderon supporters, please raise your hands. yeah, that's what i thought. see, when everyone was busy tearing t.j. ford apart, they forgot that once ford was traded, his scoring left too. like it or not, the raptors were a much better team when opposers thought that their point guard would go to the rim. calderon doesn't strike fear into the league like ford. he is efficient, but he's never going to take over a game. calderon is great, but let's be honest: the raptors were better with two point guards. this becomes evident when you consider that off the bench, the raptors are dreadful. bargnani is a bust, anthony parker is possibly past his prime, and ukic is some distance away. t.j. ford made everyone on that bench much better by carrying the offense!
jermaine o'neal is still good. but the starters have to play too much. the raptors wear down, and get exposed at the end of games.
marginalized superstars.
some of our heroes are back to their original ways. one such hero is dirk, who managed to keep his mavericks in the playoff hunt despite the loss of josh howard, which means that avery johnson trotted out some bizarro lineups: singleton/green/dampier in the starting lineup? how can you win with that lineup unless you have dirk? dirk is rebounding well this year (9 rpg), and his scoring average is still solid. he deserves, perhaps, more accolades this year then ever before. he is my "stealth mvp," although he won't get any votes. but there can't be a player in the league more valuable to his team than dirk. without dirk, the mavs wouldn't win anything.
yao ming has had a fantastic year. so has kirilenko, who has to replace boozer, and, for that matter, so has okur. we have understood the magnitude of dwight howard for some time, but rashard lewis is a ruthless, underrated (but not underpaid) three-shooting mercenary. criticize him for not doing more, but don't criticize him for what he does do. do you think the magic are surprised that they are getting what they paid for? neither do i.
here is something surprising: only nine teams are in playoff contention before christmas day. yeah, the season's almost unwatchable on one half of the bracket. one team will be eliminated (my guess is that it will be either the mavs, blazers, or suns) and the rest of the teams are basically spoilers. could you construct a playoff team from the eliminated ones? i have tried, and here is the result:
centers: kaman and camby
power forwards: al jefferson and biedrins
small forwards: durant, rudy gay
shooting guards: mayo, kevin martin
point guards: monta ellis and baron davis
wild cards: spencer "baby truth" hawes, russell "slick" westbrook.
but there are really some historically bad teams here. oklahoma city is an abomination to mankind **** apologies to kevin durant, a true renaissance man **** as is minnesota (ditto, al jefferson). in fact, if you were to put durant and jefferson with three d-league players, and were to combine minnesota and okc's rosters to get one team, i'm pretty sure durant/jefferson would do better. al jefferson is so much better than any other t-wolf that it's comical, with the exception being perhaps mike miller. okc, minnesota, and sac-town have already sacked their coaches, and the clippers should sack dunleavy, except it appears that dunleavy is perhaps some sort of electric demon (in love!!!!). memphis has hope, as i will describe.
2. the emergence of the celtics as the alpha dog.
i truly believe that the kind of hell that exists in paul pierce's head is something that we, as mere mortals, can't understand. his willingness to assume the role of kobe and lebron allows ray allen to disappear into his world of bliss and allows kevin garnett to go around ravaging the countryside without the larger concerns that accompany stars, such as winning or historical place. allen and garnett bring knives to gun fights, but pierce will always bring a gun, no matter how much worse it may be than the others' weapons. that's important to note, because when you have two knife-wielding maniacs and a guy with a gun, you're bound to devastate humanity.
and these three fathers have trained an android of destruction: RONDO.
3. o.j. mayo is much better than we thought. so is derrick rose.
at usc, it didn't seem like mayo would succeed on the highest level this quickly. he settled for weak jump shots, brooding around the perimeter, upset that nobody believed he could receive a 29 on the ACT. "any time, any place." and, of course, tim floyd is the worst coach ever, so he never learned how to get to the rim. watching rudy gay dunk on others will change that, and soon mayo will learn that his game is an evolved d-wade (minus the slashing ability). maybe riley was right: maybe mayo was just better than michael beasley.
derrick rose, on the other hand, will save the bulls if they let him. my recommendation to the bulls: trade luol deng for a box of squirrels, sign shawn marion, and watch the gordon/rose/matrix/tyrus thomas express capture the glory years. better yet: trade hinrich to one of the fifteen nba teams who would immediately gain 15 wins from having a point guard (HINT TO OKC: he's white and better than luke ridnour, trade for him now!)
by the way: that loud screw you, humanity is from d.j. augustin, who would like a formal apology from everyone who called him a bust. now what will larry brown do with ray felton? how close are we from the felton/augustin extravaganza?
4. devin harris, danny granger, and kevin martin are the next.
devin harris appears to be one of the biggest steals of all time: lawrence frank, obviously surprised that harris was so proficient at getting to the rim, quickly ditched richard jefferson to allow harris more shooting. i erred when i claimed that the nets would be historically bad: vinsanity and devin harris may be enough to sneak into the playoffs in the east, and brook lopez was certainly one of the surest things to ever happen at the #9 pick. he is clever.
also clever: danny granger, a man who has become a pain to guard. the pacers are a bizarre team, but they should be much better when mike dunleavy comes back. they will be fun to watch when that occurs, because with t.j. ford, granger, dunleavy, b-rush, they could be the phoenix suns lite. hard-style!!!!
kevin martin shouldn't be allowed near the sacramento kings. they are an embarrassment to the nba, with their silly coach, their inability to make wise trades, and their seemingly endless number of problems. nevertheless, they have acquired the next in a long line of pure shooters, a la richmond, miller, rip, etc. if you don't think martin's legit, then you didn't see him in march of last year, when he was virtually unguardable.
5. the disappointment that is the 76ers.
the plan was to sign brand, keep everyone else, and sign on for success. but somewhere along the line, the sixers still didn't pick up anyone who could shoot the three, and you're now stuck with the willie green/kareem rush nightmare at shooting guard. it might be wise for the sixers to deal sam dalembert: consider this deal i drew up! eric snow back to philly with sasha pavlovic for sam dalembert! ba-zing! sixers give up on dalembert, cavs get valuable piece, pavlovic provides spot-up shooter. then, cavs could give up ben wallace or varejao or both for a scorer.
6. hawks swagger.
the hawks' acquisition of mike bibby last year looked silly, and when they failed to re-sign josh childress, many, including myself, saw doom for our lovable atlanta folk. but the problem is this: we underestimated the value of bibby's playoff experience. now the hawks' backcourt has playoff experience, as joe johnson and mike bibby both fought out west for many years. marvin williams and al horford were college winners, and josh smith has no concept of right or wrong in basketball. that combination is different from anything else the hawks have known, and it is enough to win, particularly with the idea of flip murray as a hired gun off the bench. people have been trying the flip murray idea for years, but atlanta may actually have enough shots for him to make it work.
7. brandon roy.
he is dwyane wade. we just don't know it yet.
8. WADE.
the olympics unveiled the emergence of the new d-wade, a man whose abilities had been marginalized by conspiracy theories about the calls he received in the finals a few years back. look, there's no doubt that the nba was lying to us during those playoffs, but that isn't wade's fault. international basketball was specifically designed for wade, a guy who isn't comfortable shooting the three, but is comfortable attacking the rim and jabbing you from 17 feet. euro basketball is designed to stop plays designed to yield three pointers, but there's no such thing as a defensive stopper for the wades and anthonys of this world, guys who are perfectly happy to penalize man-to-man defenses.
he is back. we saw that when he took down kobe a few days ago.
9. raptors = f-minus.
all jose calderon supporters, please raise your hands. yeah, that's what i thought. see, when everyone was busy tearing t.j. ford apart, they forgot that once ford was traded, his scoring left too. like it or not, the raptors were a much better team when opposers thought that their point guard would go to the rim. calderon doesn't strike fear into the league like ford. he is efficient, but he's never going to take over a game. calderon is great, but let's be honest: the raptors were better with two point guards. this becomes evident when you consider that off the bench, the raptors are dreadful. bargnani is a bust, anthony parker is possibly past his prime, and ukic is some distance away. t.j. ford made everyone on that bench much better by carrying the offense!
jermaine o'neal is still good. but the starters have to play too much. the raptors wear down, and get exposed at the end of games.
marginalized superstars.
some of our heroes are back to their original ways. one such hero is dirk, who managed to keep his mavericks in the playoff hunt despite the loss of josh howard, which means that avery johnson trotted out some bizarro lineups: singleton/green/dampier in the starting lineup? how can you win with that lineup unless you have dirk? dirk is rebounding well this year (9 rpg), and his scoring average is still solid. he deserves, perhaps, more accolades this year then ever before. he is my "stealth mvp," although he won't get any votes. but there can't be a player in the league more valuable to his team than dirk. without dirk, the mavs wouldn't win anything.
yao ming has had a fantastic year. so has kirilenko, who has to replace boozer, and, for that matter, so has okur. we have understood the magnitude of dwight howard for some time, but rashard lewis is a ruthless, underrated (but not underpaid) three-shooting mercenary. criticize him for not doing more, but don't criticize him for what he does do. do you think the magic are surprised that they are getting what they paid for? neither do i.
posted by mike at 10:17 AM
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