modern world.

i'm not in love with the modern world
i'm not in love with the modern world
it was a TORCH driving the SAVAGES back to the trees

modern world i'm not pleased to meet you.
you just bring me down.

and so goes the story of pacman jones, who got perhaps the biggest snow job of them all when he got arbitrarily suspended from the nfl for a year. hello? the only thing that could save this guy would be an nfl MANDATE that he play football 365 days a year. "pacman, for the good of your life, you have to play in the arena league AND nfl europe AND the nfl." throwing this guy to the modern world is BS, and goodell should know that.

still, the details of jones' activities at las vegas are troubling: slamming a stripper's head against the stage? why $81,000? also of note: both nelly and jermaine dupri were sitting with pacman's VIP section.

WHO REALLY CARES.

i'm not going to make any racially themed comments on this blog, mainly because ESPN is pushing some outrageous sort of social awareness campaign that kind of upsets me in an "i don't really give a crap" sort of way.

jeff pearlman is mad that bonds is wearing "42" to honor jackie robinson. i'm mad too, mainly because i could care less.

bonds is a hall-of-famer that we should respect, i suppose. i personally hope that he is not able to be found guilty of taking steroids, as i am always a fan of the "deny, deny, deny" strategy. nothing would make me happier from a statistical perspective than to see bonds go to the hall with a number of questionable records that have no asterisks. that would be fantastic.

by the way, has anyone checked out bonds's stats for this year? pretty good stuff.

should don imus have been canned? yes, in the "let's pretend we care about women's basketball" sort of way. when the wnba invariably folds, don imus will get a pretty big kick out of it, i think. i fail to see how don imus is a worse human being than bill o'reilly, however.

hey, don, at least you didn't have to cough up 2 to 10 mil. out of court.

lost in all of this: the fact that rutgers got let off the hook for playing absolutely HORRENDOUSLY against tennessee in the title game. c. vivian stringer got outcoached (rather substantially), as rutgers never made any rebounding adjustments (tennessee got 23 offensive boards, and rutgers never stepped up the defensive tempo), as tennessee won by 13 despite shooting 34.5 percent. if the lady vols had been able to hit the broad side of a barn, i suspect rutgers would have been run out of town. stringer also made the mistake of playing a starter for 26 minutes who took no shots; that is tantamount to playing four-on-five on the offensive end, which has to be somewhat inexcusable in a title game.

i say this noting that rutgers had an excellent season and an excellent team strategy, a strategy which actually worked quite well until the UT game.

alright, before i get myself into too much trouble here, i better leave the internet for the more well-spoken.

ask me no questions, and i'll tell you no lies.

lie to me. i promise, i'll believe.

sometimes, adults give good advice. so here's some good advice to greg oden.

leave college now. they don't understand.

i read the articles by gene wojciechowski and rick reilly. i think they're cute. for some reason, people criticize greg oden, and it's ridiculous. and to william rhoden: he's not maurice clarett. i realize that they were/are osu freshmen during their seasons of prominence. correlation? not equal to causation, my overzealous journalist friend.

if greg oden is going to learn anything from playing college ball, i'd like to know what it is. more than likely, he'll learn that life isn't fair, and that people are more than willing to lie to him to get what they want. that's an important life lesson that no one should ever have to learn. philosophize.

look, we all want to see oden play at osu some more, because we know he's going to own some people hard-style, and since we haven't seen that in years and years, we get some nostalgia-based utility out of it and make the selfish lie. it's a fair move on our part.

*** this brings me to an important point: while attending a football game at osu, i had a conversation with my friend nick about whether or not a kid should bring a flask into a football game when he's 19. i contended it was too young; nick contended that it was the perfect age, and when else could you get away with doing it? this originates the fair move concept on my part.***

problem is, it's not the right move. i don't know what oden will get out of being at osu again next year. if he returns, osu will be significantly better than the rest of the big ten, with the possible exceptions of michigan state and indiana. alando tucker is gone, and the rest of the big ten is decidedly weak; michigan and iowa need new coaches, purdue loses carl landry (who oden dominated on the defensive end), and so oden won't have much of a challenge for most of the year.

presumably, osu will find a way to schedule some of the following teams: north carolina, duke, florida, ucla, kansas, etc. this is the hope: if that doesn't happen, oden wasted a year of his life. he'll develop against cleveland state in the same way that i develop in a classroom of college freshmen: yeah, i learn some stuff, but i'm not at the limit. teach me about some sociology 101, please. i likes that.

what do we want out of oden? twenty and fifteen? we got that in the title game.

i don't know what's wrong with 13 and 9 in twenty minutes. that's a coach's *** dream. but it's not good enough for osu fans, who claim that he isn't ready for the league.

i watch oden on the court and he just looks sad. he gets some arbitrary fouls called on him, and goes to sit on the bench. players just fall over when he touches them. that's the strategy in college, and it will be for the duration of his time there.

oden was probably better than hibbert. that's saying something, considering hibbert is probably the best center he'll get to play that isn't on florida for the rest of his college career, however long that lasts. hibbert had a nice game, but couldn't control his foul troubles either.

i watch oden against florida and he is possessed. he is dominant in the post. he kills three men with his bare hands. noah is a lottery pick, for crying out loud. horford has to sneak around to get his points; chris richard is physically dominated, and he should be an nba pick.

is dunking on d.j. white going to help him? probably not.

i look at conley and i think: maybe he could get a jump shot.
(although, to be fair, does mike conley want to go in a draft with derrick rose, eric gordon, o.j. mayo, and an energized ty lawson?)

i look at cook and i think: maybe he needs consistency.

i look at oden and i think that he needs to develop his offensive game at the highest level.

here is something i don't understand: how will being in college help greg oden develop MORE than being in the NBA? if we want this kid to stay, we should be able to answer that question. what would lebron have gained from staying in school? what will kevin durant learn? tell me, please.

don't listen to the lies, greg. you're smart enough to pick up your degree any time you want it. you're also smart enough to know not to let osu take advantage of you for another year.

i want to be like grant.

i was jealous of all the attention that grant received for his modest mouse cd review on facebook. i was very impressed with the review, although i was less impressed with the lead singer's mutilation. honestly, being in sioux falls does not give you the right to cut yourself; you don't observe people in south dakota cutting themselves all the time, despite the fact that they're living in south dakota. show some respect to the working dakota man!!!

now, to honor both grant and john, i am going to review the arcade fire's new album using only sports references. i will compare each song to an ncaa tournament athlete and make an outrageous claim. enjoy.

"black mirror."
- corey brewer, florida. a beautiful hybrid guard that we should have all known was the serial hotness, brewer electrified us with a magnificant dunk and proceeded to revolutionize the championship game in unspeakable ways. blocking oden? drilling the threes? shutting down lewis? afflalo?!?!

black mirror! black mirror! black mirror! black mirror!

"keep the car running."

- roy hibbert, georgetown. a tragic figure, in the rik smits mold. hopefully someone has the necessary vision to seize hibbert's nba career and make him a presence. if you saw that jumper he hit on saturday night, you'll know what i mean.

i don't know where.... it's coming.

"neon bible."
- acie law, iv., texas a & m. we'll never know how good the aggies were, because of an unlucky fast break.

in the future, i will read at night.

"intervention."
-greg oden, ohio state. his performance against florida was a work of art. i could write ten thousand words about it, but i think that the arcade fire have a song that expresses it in a more appropriate manner. just cue up the cd and the tivo (as if you wanted to listen to nantz anyway) and appreciate a true warrior. he tore apart four men with his bare hands; only horford escaped alive.

who's gonna throw the very first stone?

"black wave/bad vibrations."
-arron afflalo, ucla. he left it all on the floor for us. the tragedy for ucla, of course, is florida. we will forget a team that maybe we shouldn't. kansas knows of what i speak. so does lsu.

stop now before it's too late... nothing lasts forever, that's the way it's gotta be.

"ocean of noise."
- al horford, florida. look at him, and see elton brand. his ability is the type that is never appreciated but rarely duplicated. his game is the type of game that screams of intellect. cue the running jump shot he took against osu, or the 17-foot jump shot.

in an ocean of noise, i first heard your voice, ringing like a bell...

"the well and the lighthouse."
- tyler hansborough, north carolina. he polarizes the masses, but he works harder than anyone on the planet to be a basketball liaison between reality and actuality. observe what i mean: nobody tried harder to defeat a team in the ncaa's than tyler hansborough. when his team had given up, tyler kept fighting against bigger, better players.

you want the truth? you know i'd do it all again.

"antichrist television blues."
-mike conley, jr., ohio state. a tough comparison lyrically, but a meaningful comparison when we consider sound. allow me to place meaning on a plate: consider a world evolved, where style and substance are intertwined in a pure way. i have your hero: his ability to get to the rim is quite unparalleled.

now i'm overcome, by the light of day. my lips are near, but my heart... is far away.

"windowstill."
- jeff green, georgetown. we should not forget jeff green's brilliance based on the osu game. his abilities are more indicative of the future than the past. possessing all the tools, green chose to defer in the clutch. whatever. here is a salient thought: the nba has playoff series, not single-elimination games.

the windows are locked now, so what'll it be?

"no cars go."
- chris richard, florida. i am reasonably devoid of passion. chris richard is not. in a game where everyone feared the possibility of odenization (copyrighted by me), richard ventured into the paint to emulate the greats of the past: maxiell, fortson, eric hicks. where are you, bobby huggins?

there is a place where no cars go. there is a place where no ships go. hey!

"my body is a cage."
- lee humphrey, florida. do you know what is underrated about lee humphrey? it is his ability to get to the glass and play defense. i have seen him deftly cut like a renaissance man; i saw jamar butler struggle last night. my eyes tell me the truth; and i will take him in any shooting contest you wish.

my body is a cage; we take what we're given.

overall, i give the arcade fire four stars.