Michael Fixes Every NBA Team In ONLY Fifteen Minutes.
I'm fixing every NBA team, and it's only gonna take me fifteen minutes.
Atlanta: The next time you get the opportunity to draft, draft the best player available. Alternatively, draft a guard.
Boston: Try to increase the average age of your roster above 17 before Paul Pierce drifts into A.I. mode.
Charlotte: Try to get a refund on your expansion entry fee and quit now. Alternatively, have some sort of plan for getting better that involves signing a free agent scorer. I believe I said that last year.
Chicago: The next time the GM says, "Let's sign somebody for $15 mil. per year," insist that there is a one-for-one correspondence between millions/year and points/game.
Cleveland: See if anyone will take Damon Jones for free.
Dallas: Try to pretend that you're tough, the way you pretended for most of the playoffs last year.
Denver: Tell J.R. Smith that you're playing in Omaha. If he doesn't question you, bench him immediately, Byron Scott-style.
Detroit: The next time you encounter some B.S. chemistry among good-but-not-great players, something that basically ensures you'll win 55 games a year, keep it around at all costs. Case and point: The Utah Jazz's other three starters among Malone and Stockton.
Golden State: Instead of trying to play defense, try playing like the Suns and scoring as many points as you can, since you can't play any defense anyway.
Houston: You're almost there. You now have three competent players (maybe four) on the court at any time. Strive for five.
Indiana: Tell Stephen Jackson that he has to attend community college unless he shapes up.
LA Clippers: Give Shaun Livingston the job now.
LA Lakers: You're actually fine, for now... well, maybe you could let Kobe or Odom play point.
Memphis: Try to win as many until Pau Gasol comes back. Then, tell Northwest to cancel all flights to Madrid/Barcelona/Seville.
Miami: Work out an arrangement with the South Beach PD, telling Shaq his arrests are one-for-one with blocked shots.
Milwaukee: See if you can sucker any more teams into giving you dominant power forwards. If you can't sign 'em, trick 'em.
Minnesota: Let him have Wally back. At least Wally was interested in scoring.
New Jersey: Convince Richard Jefferson that jump shots aren't going to take him to "the next level."
New Orleans: Sign a bench.
New York: Be nicer to Steve Francis, since he's the only guy on the team that could possibly drag a really bad team to the playoffs.
Orlando: Ask Joe Dumars if he'll accept Hedo Turkoglu for Tayshaun Prince. Tell him that you'll give him a first-round pick.
Philly: I think it's time to draft a proven college player, guys.
Phoenix: Stop blaming Amare Stoudemire for all your problems. Blame the fact that you don't play any defense instead.
Portland: Keep Zach Randolph in whatever "angry mode" he's in.
Sacramento: Get a big man. Stop pretending that Brad Miller is comparable to Yao Ming.
San Antonio: Let that Oberto guy shoot every shot. He's perfect.
Seattle: Having Rashard Lewis is nice. Having Chris Wilcox is nice. Having them both on the same team means you get like five rebounds a night.
Toronto: Virtually hopeless; but I'll give it a shot. Try getting a shooter, and don't trade Chris Bosh for a basket of apples like you did with VC.
Utah: Inject Jerry Sloan with the same hatred he had in the 1990s.
Washington: Tell Gilbert Arenas how fortunate he is to be playing with Antawn Jamison, the only scorer on Earth who can put up with the complete wackiness that is Arenas's shot selection. Also, spend money in the offseason.
Atlanta: The next time you get the opportunity to draft, draft the best player available. Alternatively, draft a guard.
Boston: Try to increase the average age of your roster above 17 before Paul Pierce drifts into A.I. mode.
Charlotte: Try to get a refund on your expansion entry fee and quit now. Alternatively, have some sort of plan for getting better that involves signing a free agent scorer. I believe I said that last year.
Chicago: The next time the GM says, "Let's sign somebody for $15 mil. per year," insist that there is a one-for-one correspondence between millions/year and points/game.
Cleveland: See if anyone will take Damon Jones for free.
Dallas: Try to pretend that you're tough, the way you pretended for most of the playoffs last year.
Denver: Tell J.R. Smith that you're playing in Omaha. If he doesn't question you, bench him immediately, Byron Scott-style.
Detroit: The next time you encounter some B.S. chemistry among good-but-not-great players, something that basically ensures you'll win 55 games a year, keep it around at all costs. Case and point: The Utah Jazz's other three starters among Malone and Stockton.
Golden State: Instead of trying to play defense, try playing like the Suns and scoring as many points as you can, since you can't play any defense anyway.
Houston: You're almost there. You now have three competent players (maybe four) on the court at any time. Strive for five.
Indiana: Tell Stephen Jackson that he has to attend community college unless he shapes up.
LA Clippers: Give Shaun Livingston the job now.
LA Lakers: You're actually fine, for now... well, maybe you could let Kobe or Odom play point.
Memphis: Try to win as many until Pau Gasol comes back. Then, tell Northwest to cancel all flights to Madrid/Barcelona/Seville.
Miami: Work out an arrangement with the South Beach PD, telling Shaq his arrests are one-for-one with blocked shots.
Milwaukee: See if you can sucker any more teams into giving you dominant power forwards. If you can't sign 'em, trick 'em.
Minnesota: Let him have Wally back. At least Wally was interested in scoring.
New Jersey: Convince Richard Jefferson that jump shots aren't going to take him to "the next level."
New Orleans: Sign a bench.
New York: Be nicer to Steve Francis, since he's the only guy on the team that could possibly drag a really bad team to the playoffs.
Orlando: Ask Joe Dumars if he'll accept Hedo Turkoglu for Tayshaun Prince. Tell him that you'll give him a first-round pick.
Philly: I think it's time to draft a proven college player, guys.
Phoenix: Stop blaming Amare Stoudemire for all your problems. Blame the fact that you don't play any defense instead.
Portland: Keep Zach Randolph in whatever "angry mode" he's in.
Sacramento: Get a big man. Stop pretending that Brad Miller is comparable to Yao Ming.
San Antonio: Let that Oberto guy shoot every shot. He's perfect.
Seattle: Having Rashard Lewis is nice. Having Chris Wilcox is nice. Having them both on the same team means you get like five rebounds a night.
Toronto: Virtually hopeless; but I'll give it a shot. Try getting a shooter, and don't trade Chris Bosh for a basket of apples like you did with VC.
Utah: Inject Jerry Sloan with the same hatred he had in the 1990s.
Washington: Tell Gilbert Arenas how fortunate he is to be playing with Antawn Jamison, the only scorer on Earth who can put up with the complete wackiness that is Arenas's shot selection. Also, spend money in the offseason.
posted by mike at 3:51 PM
1 Comments:
Really, my ultimate goal is to do nothing with my life. So I'm kind of hoping for neither the former nor the ladder.
You should come visit me in Columbus sometime.
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